The question is: What was our most recent google chat conversation about?
me: Hey, did you get my fax?
It was an order for 50 boobie braces.
And 97 wiener braces.
"shlong splints," if you will.
Brandon: Oh yea, sorry I haven't got back to you, I was wearing all 97 wiener braces
me: On one wiener?!
Layers?
Brandon: So many layers
My penis was SUPPORTED
me: and SUFFOCATED
Brandon: SO HOT
my penis was SO HOT
me: sweatin' up dem braces
Brandon: they were all soaking wet
me: I hope your wiener braces have drip holes
Brandon: They're well ventilated. That's why they are so high quality.
me: Which explains how you can afford a fax machine
Brandon: exactly
I receive and send faxes ON THE DAILY
me: rollin' in the big brace bucks
NONSTOP FAXING
Brandon: I've got giney ones too
me: vagina faxes or vagina braces?
Brandon: both clearly
me: that makes sense.
takes a giney fax to order a giney brace.
Brandon: Right
You must put ink on your vagina
make a giney print
and fax it to me
me: Well, considering the only fax machine I have access to is at work, doing such a thing would probably cause me to lose my job.
But... what the hell!
Anything for a laugh!
Brandon: I'm glad your priorities are in order
me: I'M AN ADULT
Brandon: There's a fax machine at my dad's store too... I'll send a cock fax there
MY DAD IS NOT A PHONE
me: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND
You can send cock faxes from your dad's work now... because he knows you're gay!
Brandon: hahahaha EXACTLY
me: "That's just what gay guys do, Dad!"
"Oh! Okay, son!"
Brandon: "Please, use my ink on your penis!"
me: "Have the whole box of inkjet, son!"
"Anything for the cause!"
Brandon: "Thanks dad! I'm sending a print of my cock to every available gay man with a fax machine!"
me: You'll have a hubby in no time!
Bring on the adopted babies! Bradgelina, step aside!
Brandon: I'm adopting THEIR kids from them!
me: HEY-OH!
That'll learn 'em for being rich!
Brandon: hahahaha FUCK 'EM
me: Gosh, are we poor, single, and bitter or WHAT?!
Brandon: hahahaha for real
me: Whatevs!
Brandon: hahaha
me: I'm broke but I'm HAAPPPPEEEEEEEE
*flail*
I'M SICK BUT I'M PUH-RIDDY
HEY YAYAYAYAYA
Brandon: *jaw unhinging while singing*
me: Thank you, India.
Brandon: Thank you, terror.
me: Thank you DIS - ILL-US-ION-ME-E-ENT
Brandon: Thank you, frailty.
me: Thank you, confideeeence
(I think? You know these lyrics better than I.)
Brandon: consequence? maybe?
Thank you, THANK YOU SILENCE
me: How 'bout enjoying the moment for once?!
Fucker!
Brandon: How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots?!?!?!?!?!
FUCK. LOOK AT THEM.
me: SO DANGLY
Brandon: YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THOSE FUCKERS
me: I want to brace 'em and fax 'em
Brandon: hahahahahaha
me: You know... I never met a carrot I didn't like
EXCEPT THIS ONE!!!!
Brandon: Let me hold my vageen
I'm a pirate
me: I am now hermetically sealed to the bike.
Brandon: I gave myself a chest cameltoe
me: Wow. Fax me a pic.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
To the left, to the left
Earlier this week I was shopping at Ye Olde Local Publix and as I was scanning the frozen fruit selection, I couldn't help but notice an employee from behind the meat case making eyes at me and smiling. A few minutes later, he was wheeling out a dolly of dead animals, still making eyes and throwing a smile my way. I couldn't help but think of some wise words from Ms. Beyonce:
"You must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me." And then I wanted to direct him and his wheeled, four-tiered vessel of meat to the left, to the left, so long as "to the left" was away from me.
Seriously, talk about barking up the wrong lady tree! There's no possible way I could date someone who chops up dead animals (or live ones, for that matter) for a living (or for a hobby, for that matter). Several years ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine at the tattoo shop where she worked (she did piercings). The tattoo shop was situated in a strip mall alongside several other random businesses, one of which was a butcher shop. Everyone who worked in the strip mall was friendly with one another, an interesting community. While I was hanging out with her, a young man who worked at the butcher shop popped in a couple of times and chatted a bit. When the man went back to his shop, he texted my friend, asking about me, saying I was cute and funny, etc. My friend found this HILARIOUS: "The Butcher Boy has the hots for the VEEEE-GAAAAAN!"
I mean, we've all heard that saying "opposites attract," but in the case of A Vegan and a A Butcher, that is so not happening.
"You must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me." And then I wanted to direct him and his wheeled, four-tiered vessel of meat to the left, to the left, so long as "to the left" was away from me.
Seriously, talk about barking up the wrong lady tree! There's no possible way I could date someone who chops up dead animals (or live ones, for that matter) for a living (or for a hobby, for that matter). Several years ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine at the tattoo shop where she worked (she did piercings). The tattoo shop was situated in a strip mall alongside several other random businesses, one of which was a butcher shop. Everyone who worked in the strip mall was friendly with one another, an interesting community. While I was hanging out with her, a young man who worked at the butcher shop popped in a couple of times and chatted a bit. When the man went back to his shop, he texted my friend, asking about me, saying I was cute and funny, etc. My friend found this HILARIOUS: "The Butcher Boy has the hots for the VEEEE-GAAAAAN!"
I mean, we've all heard that saying "opposites attract," but in the case of A Vegan and a A Butcher, that is so not happening.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Carry Me Home Tonight
So what have I been up to recently?
-Becoming obsessed with Fun. Aside from having a dreamy lead singer, I love their sound. My friend Erika described them as Queen meets a Broadway Musical, which is accurate, but I'd also add in some Muse kind of sounds too. Also, as you know, I love Janelle Monae too!
I like that a top comment is about how white Janelle Monae's teeth are and asks "what toothpaste does she uses."
-Dealing with all kinds of crazy shit that isn't directly happening to me; okay some of it kind of it, but not really. In the past few weeks, I've had difficult (but necessary and ultimately wonderful) conversations with my parents (perhaps something I'll blog about in greater detail later), found out one of my dear friends in my department has breast cancer, found out ANOTHER dear friend in my department is having some very serious problems in her marriage, and a student told me about something horrible that happened to him recently that I was legally obligated to tell an authority figure about. It has been rough going around me as of late, and the pessimist in me is trying to figure out when the anvil will be dropped on my head instead of those around me? I hope the optimist in me wins out.
-Making decisions about my future. I'm 100% sure now that I will be pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing in the near future. Now to figure out where I'm going and how on earth I'll be paying for it.
-Not sleeping enough. I've been waking up at 5:15 to go run, which is good, but I haven't quite actually started going to bed early to compensate. BUT- I was lying in bed recently and, while stretching, discovered that I have thigh muscles for the first time in my life. It was honest to God amazing. It was a surprise, too. I put my hand on it and said, out loud, 'Shit! That's muscle!' So... good I guess?
And what have YOU been up to? :)
-Becoming obsessed with Fun. Aside from having a dreamy lead singer, I love their sound. My friend Erika described them as Queen meets a Broadway Musical, which is accurate, but I'd also add in some Muse kind of sounds too. Also, as you know, I love Janelle Monae too!
I like that a top comment is about how white Janelle Monae's teeth are and asks "what toothpaste does she uses."
-Dealing with all kinds of crazy shit that isn't directly happening to me; okay some of it kind of it, but not really. In the past few weeks, I've had difficult (but necessary and ultimately wonderful) conversations with my parents (perhaps something I'll blog about in greater detail later), found out one of my dear friends in my department has breast cancer, found out ANOTHER dear friend in my department is having some very serious problems in her marriage, and a student told me about something horrible that happened to him recently that I was legally obligated to tell an authority figure about. It has been rough going around me as of late, and the pessimist in me is trying to figure out when the anvil will be dropped on my head instead of those around me? I hope the optimist in me wins out.
-Making decisions about my future. I'm 100% sure now that I will be pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing in the near future. Now to figure out where I'm going and how on earth I'll be paying for it.
-Not sleeping enough. I've been waking up at 5:15 to go run, which is good, but I haven't quite actually started going to bed early to compensate. BUT- I was lying in bed recently and, while stretching, discovered that I have thigh muscles for the first time in my life. It was honest to God amazing. It was a surprise, too. I put my hand on it and said, out loud, 'Shit! That's muscle!' So... good I guess?
And what have YOU been up to? :)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Leap Day 2012
What happened on Leap Day 2012?
* Listened to lots of the Kooks (SMITTEN<3)
* I rescued a moth for probably the first time ever. I cupped it in my hands and carried it over to the door (opening the door was tricky) and let it fly outside into the sunshine. #whatahippie
* Introduced boiled peanuts to two of my kids at work. (They were warmly received, of course!)
* Took the notoriously-hellish 3-year-old on an outing with just me and one other kid, and he was PERFECT. He didn't hit anyone, bite anyone, curse out anyone, I never had to chase after him or take potential weapons out of his hand, and there were no Time Outs. He was sweet and playful and actually followed all directions. It was AMAZING, and it will probably NEVER happen again!
* Bought a blender (I'm bringin' sexy green smoothies back! YEAH!)
* Watched the Leap Day episode of 30 Rock and loved it and was reminded of how much I truly love that show. (I'm so behind.)
Favorite Part: When Tracy refers to his "Imaginary friend, Dot Com," and Dot Com shouts, "Tracy! I'M REAL!"
Also, I did not wear blue & yellow.
* Listened to lots of the Kooks (SMITTEN<3)
* I rescued a moth for probably the first time ever. I cupped it in my hands and carried it over to the door (opening the door was tricky) and let it fly outside into the sunshine. #whatahippie
* Introduced boiled peanuts to two of my kids at work. (They were warmly received, of course!)
* Took the notoriously-hellish 3-year-old on an outing with just me and one other kid, and he was PERFECT. He didn't hit anyone, bite anyone, curse out anyone, I never had to chase after him or take potential weapons out of his hand, and there were no Time Outs. He was sweet and playful and actually followed all directions. It was AMAZING, and it will probably NEVER happen again!
* Bought a blender (I'm bringin' sexy green smoothies back! YEAH!)
* Watched the Leap Day episode of 30 Rock and loved it and was reminded of how much I truly love that show. (I'm so behind.)
Favorite Part: When Tracy refers to his "Imaginary friend, Dot Com," and Dot Com shouts, "Tracy! I'M REAL!"
Also, I did not wear blue & yellow.
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