"Braces for random body parts, faxing, and Alanis Morrisette."

The question is: What was our most recent google chat conversation about?

me: Hey, did you get my fax?
It was an order for 50 boobie braces.
And 97 wiener braces.
"shlong splints," if you will.
Brandon: Oh yea, sorry I haven't got back to you, I was wearing all 97 wiener braces
me: On one wiener?!
Layers?
Brandon: So many layers
My penis was SUPPORTED
me: and SUFFOCATED
Brandon: SO HOT
my penis was SO HOT
me: sweatin' up dem braces
Brandon: they were all soaking wet
me: I hope your wiener braces have drip holes
Brandon: They're well ventilated. That's why they are so high quality.
me: Which explains how you can afford a fax machine
Brandon: exactly
I receive and send faxes ON THE DAILY
me: rollin' in the big brace bucks
NONSTOP FAXING
Brandon: I've got giney ones too
me: vagina faxes or vagina braces?
Brandon: both clearly
me: that makes sense.
takes a giney fax to order a giney brace.
Brandon: Right
You must put ink on your vagina
make a giney print
and fax it to me
me: Well, considering the only fax machine I have access to is at work, doing such a thing would probably cause me to lose my job.
But... what the hell!
Anything for a laugh!
Brandon: I'm glad your priorities are in order
me: I'M AN ADULT
Brandon: There's a fax machine at my dad's store too... I'll send a cock fax there
MY DAD IS NOT A PHONE
me: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND
You can send cock faxes from your dad's work now... because he knows you're gay!
Brandon: hahahaha EXACTLY
me: "That's just what gay guys do, Dad!"
"Oh! Okay, son!"
Brandon: "Please, use my ink on your penis!"
me: "Have the whole box of inkjet, son!"
"Anything for the cause!"
Brandon: "Thanks dad! I'm sending a print of my cock to every available gay man with a fax machine!"
me: You'll have a hubby in no time!
Bring on the adopted babies! Bradgelina, step aside!
Brandon: I'm adopting THEIR kids from them!
me: HEY-OH!
That'll learn 'em for being rich!
Brandon: hahahaha FUCK 'EM
me: Gosh, are we poor, single, and bitter or WHAT?!
Brandon: hahahaha for real
me: Whatevs!
Brandon: hahaha
me: I'm broke but I'm HAAPPPPEEEEEEEE
*flail*
I'M SICK BUT I'M PUH-RIDDY
HEY YAYAYAYAYA
Brandon: *jaw unhinging while singing*
me: Thank you, India.
Brandon: Thank you, terror.
me: Thank you DIS - ILL-US-ION-ME-E-ENT
Brandon: Thank you, frailty.
me: Thank you, confideeeence
(I think? You know these lyrics better than I.)
Brandon: consequence? maybe?
Thank you, THANK YOU SILENCE
me: How 'bout enjoying the moment for once?!
Fucker!
Brandon: How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots?!?!?!?!?!
FUCK. LOOK AT THEM.
me: SO DANGLY
Brandon: YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THOSE FUCKERS
me: I want to brace 'em and fax 'em
Brandon: hahahahahaha
me: You know... I never met a carrot I didn't like
EXCEPT THIS ONE!!!!
Brandon: Let me hold my vageen
I'm a pirate
me: I am now hermetically sealed to the bike.
Brandon: I gave myself a chest cameltoe
me: Wow. Fax me a pic.

To the left, to the left

Earlier this week I was shopping at Ye Olde Local Publix and as I was scanning the frozen fruit selection, I couldn't help but notice an employee from behind the meat case making eyes at me and smiling. A few minutes later, he was wheeling out a dolly of dead animals, still making eyes and throwing a smile my way. I couldn't help but think of some wise words from Ms. Beyonce:

"You must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me." And then I wanted to direct him and his wheeled, four-tiered vessel of meat to the left, to the left, so long as "to the left" was away from me.

Seriously, talk about barking up the wrong lady tree! There's no possible way I could date someone who chops up dead animals (or live ones, for that matter) for a living (or for a hobby, for that matter). Several years ago, I was hanging out with a friend of mine at the tattoo shop where she worked (she did piercings). The tattoo shop was situated in a strip mall alongside several other random businesses, one of which was a butcher shop. Everyone who worked in the strip mall was friendly with one another, an interesting community. While I was hanging out with her, a young man who worked at the butcher shop popped in a couple of times and chatted a bit. When the man went back to his shop, he texted my friend, asking about me, saying I was cute and funny, etc. My friend found this HILARIOUS: "The Butcher Boy has the hots for the VEEEE-GAAAAAN!"

I mean, we've all heard that saying "opposites attract," but in the case of A Vegan and a A Butcher, that is so not happening.

Carry Me Home Tonight

So what have I been up to recently?

-Becoming obsessed with Fun. Aside from having a dreamy lead singer, I love their sound. My friend Erika described them as Queen meets a Broadway Musical, which is accurate, but I'd also add in some Muse kind of sounds too. Also, as you know, I love Janelle Monae too!

I like that a top comment is about how white Janelle Monae's teeth are and asks "what toothpaste does she uses."

 -Dealing with all kinds of crazy shit that isn't directly happening to me; okay some of it kind of it, but not really. In the past few weeks, I've had difficult (but necessary and ultimately wonderful) conversations with my parents (perhaps something I'll blog about in greater detail later), found out one of my dear friends in my department has breast cancer, found out ANOTHER dear friend in my department is having some very serious problems in her marriage, and a student told me about something horrible that happened to him recently that I was legally obligated to tell an authority figure about. It has been rough going around me as of late, and the pessimist in me is trying to figure out when the anvil will be dropped on my head instead of those around me? I hope the optimist in me wins out.

-Making decisions about my future. I'm 100% sure now that I will be pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing in the near future. Now to figure out where I'm going and how on earth I'll be paying for it.

-Not sleeping enough. I've been waking up at 5:15 to go run, which is good, but I haven't quite actually started going to bed early to compensate. BUT- I was lying in bed recently and, while stretching, discovered that I have thigh muscles for the first time in my life. It was honest to God amazing. It was a surprise, too. I put my hand on it and said, out loud, 'Shit! That's muscle!' So... good I guess?

And what have YOU been up to? :)

Leap Day 2012

What happened on Leap Day 2012?

* Listened to lots of the Kooks (SMITTEN<3)



* I rescued a moth for probably the first time ever. I cupped it in my hands and carried it over to the door (opening the door was tricky) and let it fly outside into the sunshine. #whatahippie

* Introduced boiled peanuts to two of my kids at work. (They were warmly received, of course!)

* Took the notoriously-hellish 3-year-old on an outing with just me and one other kid, and he was PERFECT. He didn't hit anyone, bite anyone, curse out anyone, I never had to chase after him or take potential weapons out of his hand, and there were no Time Outs. He was sweet and playful and actually followed all directions. It was AMAZING, and it will probably NEVER happen again!

* Bought a blender (I'm bringin' sexy green smoothies back! YEAH!)

* Watched the Leap Day episode of 30 Rock and loved it and was reminded of how much I truly love that show. (I'm so behind.)

Favorite Part: When Tracy refers to his "Imaginary friend, Dot Com," and Dot Com shouts, "Tracy! I'M REAL!"

Also, I did not wear blue & yellow.

I never thought I would be at 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion

Jewmanda,

I remember hearing and instantly loving Incubus' "Pardon Me," and specifically I remember thinking how freaking ancient I would be when I turned 23. Well, I'm less than three months away from being 28. Screw you, Brandon Boyd. Actually, well... anyway, I'll just leave that there. :)

So I still pretty much love Incubus. They aren't as consistent as they used to be, and I think my tastes have matured, but the aforementioned "Dig" shows they still really have it. I also think one of their more recent songs, "Promises, Promises," is quite good, and it's less than a year old I think.


This is a questionable music video, though.

As you mentioned, "Warning" has stood the test of time well- the lyric "I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal" speaks to me loud and clear.

As far as Incubus memories are concerned, I've actually seen them in concert more than once, and each time they've been really good. I used to listen to "I Miss You" and pretend it related to me, and seeing them in concert only made me do it more. The opening band one of the times I saw them was 30 Seconds to Mars- further proving my life long obsession with the television show My So-Called Life.

Before I leave the world of Incubus, I leave you with two songs:


1) "Megalomaniac." This is... political Incubus. I don't like political Incubus nearly as much, but this song resonates as a car sing along fun time. Singing "You're no fucking Elvis!" never gets old!

2) "The Warmth." I think this counts as my all time favorite Incubus song. The lyrics are sorta cheesy, I know, but the rebellious teen in me always loved the lyric "Don't let the world bring you down; not everyone here is that fucked up and cold." I like that concept because oftentimes we forget that after a bad day or three. We forget that most of the people in our lives aren't awful. Okay, this game was fun, and at some point I'm going to return the favor back at ya! Oooh... who to pick?! -Brndn

Bark Twice if You're in Milwaukee

Brabdnon,

I'm glad you were able to come away with something from Forks Over Knives. I had a feeling you would; I find it hard not too when faced with so much amazing information! And I agree, you should definitely show that film to your parents when the time is right. (Atkins is some crazy shit, man.) Since you've posted your entry, we've talked a couple of times about vegan stuff, and you already know that you can ask me any vegan questions or ask for tips or suggestions or resources. I've gotcha covered like a jimmy hat!

A part of me wanted to address self-confidence / self-esteem, but I'd like to stray away from the serious subject matter we've been on lately. Maybe that's partly because you and I have been swapping Anchorman quotes for the last half hour, but it's also because I thought of some songs recently and it led me to come up with a game we should play on our blog here from time to time. I call it: Hey, Remember This?

So, it's common fact that you and I are both appreciators of pop hits from the '90s and early 2000s. I think it would be fun if we randomly played Hey, Remember This? and share photos, songs, or video clips of memorable songs or moments from our favorite decades.

What initially sparked this for me? Well, I will ask you this...

Hey, Remember Incubus?

Holy balls, I used to LOVE Incubus. I thought Brandon Boyd was such hot stuff with his wavy long hair, beating that bongo and dancing around shirtless.

I remember when this song first came out on the radio. I believe I was in 10th grade. Whenever it came on, we'd blast this in my friend's parents' Saab, and then my friend taped it off the radio, so we played it on the TAPE DECK. (God, we're old.)


And then this song came out while I was dating my first real boyfriend ("real" meaning we dated for longer than a couple of weeks and did more than hold hands). And when you're 16, this may as well be the most romantic song ever, even though it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.


I vaguely remember them performing that song when I saw them in Tampa in 11th grade. They opened for the Deftones and I actually dozed off while the Deftones were playing. (I wasn't much of a fan.)

And then, on the flip side, we have this song, which my 17-years-old-self identified with perfectly when that first boyfriend broke up with me after he went away to work at some summer camp out of state. (And I wouldn't be surprised if this ended up on a sappy mixed tape at some point in my life.)


And don't even get me started on this one:


Oh, dramatic teenage heartbreak!

When Morning View came out, "11AM" was one of my favorite tracks off that album, but now I can't stand it.


I'm also BEYOND OVER "Drive."



I do, however, still love "Warning."


And that is the first time I have EVER watched the video for "Warning." WTF? That chick is scary.

I'm pretty sure you told me you like "Dig." Even though Incubus songs haven't given me tingles in many years, I like it pretty well, too.



What are your Incubus memories?
- manderz

They get what they want, and they never want it again

Flo-manda,

I have always had a... let's call it unique... relationship with food. Growing up I didn't think about how much I ate or what I was eating (what kid does?), but I can remember my grandmother telling me all the time that I wasn't eating because I was hungry, I was eating because I was bored. I really resented it at the time, but as I've aged I realize she was right.

At what point in my life, or in any of our lives, did I start finding food as an acceptable alternative to doing anything else when bored? Food is inherently satisfying; our bodies are designed to love food. I guess it was an essential pleasure in that way, and I can't find another way to think of food. It's fucking delicious. I love eating.

I also have a past of resenting the way fat people are portrayed in the media. I still have this resentment. We're often dehumanized, reduced to negative stereotypes, and rarely portrayed as full, lively characters. I have spent much of my life working to reduce that stereotype- to be that full, lively character. There's a young adult book I read last year called Looks by Madeline George that's about a fat girl, and I remember this scene where she got really upset, ran to the woods with a backpack full of junk food, and shoved it all down her gullet. I was livid about this scene when I first read the book. It reinforced the stereotype that all fat kids shove rice krispie treats down their throats when upset. And, moreover, run away to the woods to do so. Because such an act would be shameful if done in one's living room. I've reflected about this scene since, and I'm much less bothered by it than I was initially. How many times have I emotionally ate? Fuck, all the damn time. And I've sure as hell snuck food at night, or any other time. I remember eating hand fulls of chips in my parents' pantry as quietly as possible so they wouldn't hear me in the living room. The real issue I have with the media's portrayal of fat people is that I'm terrified that those people really aren't stereotypes. That those people are me. And I sure as hell don't want to be those people. And I don't see myself as those people; I truly don't believe my future involves me eating hand fulls of Doritos in the pantry.

I started eating better and exercising because I wanted to meet someone and fall in love with someone, and, well, that's hard to do as a fat dude. People judge me because of my fat, but I have to be honest with myself and remember that I'm not attracted to fat people either. If I weren't me, I sure as hell would not be attracted to me. That's the thing that made me so happy for you when you described how you've become so in love with your body. I cannot fathom thinking I look good. That's some serious self-confidence shit I've got to get over. Once I love myself, someone else can love me too.

So this all stems from the fact that, this morning, I watched the aforementioned Forks Over Knives. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I wouldn't say I had a critical eye while watching it, but I needed to be convinced. Now, you know me, I don't eat a ton of meat anyway, but I was skeptical of the idea that a plant based diet would actually reverse disease. I wanted to be convinced of it in comparison to what would simply be a low fat/low calorie diet. I don't know if I was ever given that conviction in total, but it certainly made a compelling argument. And, like any documentary, there's a bias; the filmmakers want us to feel a certain way about the subject in question. And, of course, they should do that. It's what makes good films, especially documentaries. I had two main thoughts while watching it and after watching it:

1) It wouldn't be all that much of a stretch for me to do this. Like I said, I don't really eat a lot of meat anyway- essentially I'd have to eat things that weren't chicken. The part that would likely be the hardest would be cutting out diary- I do love cheese. I've been eating less of it recently because of the diet I've been on, but I know I'd have to work to do that. I am not saying I'm going to go completely vegan; I don't think that's necessary for me. But there's no reason I can't focus on doing better with eating this whole food/plant based diet. Without knowing it, much of my diet this year has already encompassed this. For instance, I was already planning on making these for dinner at some point this week, and it wouldn't be at all difficult to veganize them by using vegan "cheese" or just omitting it altogether. I'll be honest, I'll be using the vegan cheese. I know I've had some vegan "cheese" before and it was... fine... but I think that's just something to accept. And the positives clearly outweigh the negatives.

I actually have to give you some more credit, aside from simply being a badass human being and an awesome friend. Before you came around I didn't really consider my diet at all. I sort of liked cooking, but I didn't really consider what I was eating. Just hanging out with you made me actually consider it, and I like to think that, generally speaking, I'm a pretty healthy cook when I'm cooking at home. So thanks for that, lady!

2) I thought of my parents, especially my mother, the entire time I watched this. My parents are attempting the Atkins diet for the second time (that I know of) right now, and I know they just spent a shit ton of money on food for it. My mom's been reading up on it, and dad's ready to jump in. As you know my mom suffers from Systemic Mastocytosis. She takes an incredible amount of medicine for it, and she doesn't take an incredible amount of medicine for it that she could take because they spend an incredible amount of money on the incredible amount of medicine she does take.

Does it seem to easy to simply suggest to my mother to become vegan?

I don't think she'd do it, although I remember you saying you didn't think your father would be swayed by the film either and he was. And I know money is tight for them, as it is for me, and considering they just spent this crazy amount of money on Atkins friendly groceries, I'm hesitant to approach them immediately. But, really, the time is now, right? I don't know- I'll have to think on this some more.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the film because, if anything, it made me think a lot. And that's always a good thing.

Here's to less jelly to jiggle in my future,
nodnarB