And you know what? For the first time ever, I honestly do believe that I am gorgeous.
Gasp!
Yep -- You read it right. I am a female in my late-20s, and I officially like myself and my body. This is a fairly new realization and outlook, one that only formed when I moved from Missouri to Florida, but I like it. It feels really good to like myself.
How did this happen? It all started when I threw myself into the great unknown and moved solo to Florida. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone over a year ago (a comfort zone that, at the time, was not that comfortable, anyway) made me realize some really amazing things about myself.
I am resourceful. I am determined.
I am smart, talented, and a quick learner.
I am outgoing, charming and witty as hell, and personable.
I am strong and brave, stronger and braver than I ever, EVER knew.
(Gosh, that all sounds like something straight out of a cover letter for a job inquiry.)
I amazed myself with how I formed my new Florida life.
And then came the body acceptance. After hating my body for 15 years, I started to truly appreciate my body. It's amazing how when things start falling into place, when life gets better, everything else gets better, too. I rang in 2011 with belly dance classes for the first time ever, and it truly made a difference in my self-esteem. I was pretty clumsy at first (naturally), but suddenly I was moving muscles I didn't know I had, I was truly embracing the curves of my body, and I was physically challenging myself in a totally new way. Suddenly, there was a sassy sway to my walk and I stood a little taller. It was an amazing feeling.
And then I got into a car accident, and that was a game changer. Suddenly, I was aware of OTHER muscles I didn't know I had, suddenly I was feeling a brand new pain, suddenly I had a new challenge ahead of me. But I persevered. I learned a lot about my body through physical therapy, and I appreciated my body even MORE. Unfortunately, my injury forced me out of belly dance indefinitely, but I have yet to forget or lose the amazing feelings that came from those classes, that came from those movements.
I've missed belly dancing tremendously and often found myself craving it, but I found a new physical outlet that doesn't trigger my injury: hula hooping. This is a newer venture - I bought myself a hoop for Christmas. The hoop has helped me appreciate my curves again. I love the feel of the hoop whipping around my waist, I love that a sharp push of my hip keeps it from falling, I love the simultaneous turning of my hips, my body, and the hoop. It's not the same as belly dance, but it still brings my focus to all the positive features of my body, and it's a fun challenge, and something I can do while jamming to top pop hits of '90s.
Working in child care has also highlighted some great things about my body. My wide hips are perfect for carrying little ones, my lap is comforting, my hugs can heal, my reflexes are actually pretty quick.
When I fell into love long-distance, I found myself being loved and appreciated and desired for exactly who I am, for my personality, for all of my strengths and weaknesses, for my words and intelligence. And even though it didn't work out, I needed that from a man, to know that what I was made of was not only enough, but the best of me.
I share this with you, Brandon, not only because you are a treasured friend, but also because I feel that you can relate to much of what I've said. Not so much the neck injury, belly dance, and hula hooping parts, but the parts about finding and accepting and loving yourself.
You have always accepted me, and I will always accept you.
Here's to love in all forms and all directions, especially the love that points inward,
amanda
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